Come on, join the dark side

Posted on June 16, 2011


WOW. Look at all that color. No black and white there.

You know that saying, things aren’t always black and white? Well it’s true, and especially with PEOPLE, I’ve come to find. What I’m saying is, people aren’t purely nice or mean, compassionate or selfish, good or bad. They may appear to be one thing on the surface, but below that hard exterior they are something else.

This article proves my point: The Lighter Side of the Dark Side: 9 Villains Who Were Good. I would like to take this moment here to thank for filling the void that is my lack of endless wit. Without cracked, my posts would be FAR. LESS. ENTERTAINING.

Anyway, let’s get on with it. SO, movie villians that actually aren’t as bad as they appear (these are just a few from the whole list):

Edward Rooney (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)
  • The “villian” – Mr. Rooney was the mean old Dean of Students who spent the entire movie trying to prove that Ferris was skipping school while pretending to be sick. What a mistrustful tight-ass. Why the hell does he care so much if one student takes a day off?
  • Hold on a minute there – Let’s get the obvious out of the way: this is his goddamned job. He is the Dean of Students, not the Dean of Not Giving A Damn. People are always all up the public schools system’s digestive tract for not taking a more active interest in their students and that’s exactly what Mr. Rooney was doing. It doesn’t matter if, on a personal level, he’s a dick or not — he is literally paid with your tax money to make sure kids aren’t doing exactly what Ferris did.
The Hyenas (The Lion King)
  • The “villian” – The hyenas were the mangy lowlifes who tried to kill Simba, assisted in the assassination of Mufasa and utterly destroyed the Pride Lands after helping Scar take over as king.
  • Hold on a minute there – They want something to eat. That’s their problem, and it’s only a problem because Mufasa banished them from the Pride Land and forced them to live in an elephant graveyard, which is no place to raise a child, hyena or otherwise…The hyenas were pissed because the oppressive lion regime had reduced them to second-class citizens, hoarding all the pie for themselves.
The Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz)
  • The “villian” – You’re in a tough spot if “Wicked” is right there in your name, but WWW isn’t exactly the most image conscious celebrity in Oz, either: She kidnapped Dorothy, threatened to drown her dog and tried to set The Scarecrow on fire, all to get her hands on the girl’s ruby slippers.
  • Hold on a minute there – The Witch sisters are hanging around Oz, minding their own business when some random teenager crushes a woman to death with a house, killing her instantly in an act of domiciliary manslaughter. Next, the teenager waltzes out and corpse-loots the victim’s shoes (some sort of creepy kill-trophy, no doubt) which under every inheritance law in the universe damn well belong to the deceased’s surviving family. From where we stand, the Wicked Witch of the West had every right in the world to bludgeon Dorothy to death with a sock full of toxic batteries, but what did she do? Absolutely nothing. She just wanted her shoes back.
The Machines (The Matrix / Animatrix)
  • The “villian” – The Matrix bots freaking harvest people for energy, man! And use us as characters in their twisted robot versions of The Sims, where you know they amuse themselves by messing with our minds and reprogramming random people to do really stupid stuff.
  • Hold on a minute there – In the beginning, the Machines were our slaves, used for every job imaginable — and yes, someone probably was screwing them over — before they got too smart for their own good and decided that serving us wasn’t the most efficient use of their time…But suddenly, out of NOWHERE, a war broke out between us, and the machines won. They won and the humans lost, so after all of the years of being treated like slaves by the humans, it was time for the robots to get revenge. And what did the robots do to make us humans pay? They gave us a Paradise Virtual Reality.

Sauron (The Lord of the Rings)

  • The “villian” – Sauron is like the archetypal evil overlord. He’s got massive armies of monsters. He has a flaming eyeball. He has a helmet made of spikes, people, come on.
  • Hold on a minute there – This was a world where Orcs were used as target practice among elvish communities. The elves lovedthat shit. Sauron put a stop to that by offering all the underprivileged creatures a place in his non-race-exclusive army (the only nonsegregated force in Middle Earth other than the Fellowship), with promises of their own country in the future…Of course the humans and elves couldn’t have that, because if orcs moved-in next door to them, their houses’ property value would go down. After all, these creatures are dark and smelly and have weird voices. They must be murdered on sight.

I’m hoping this has changed your entire outlook on these movies, and you will never be able to watch them in the same way ever again. I’m also hoping that from now on you won’t be so quick to label someone as the “villian who must be destroyed”. Because as these superb examples show, “evil, heartless monster” may not be an accurate description of someone’s true color.


Posted in: Accepting Others