What are you drinking?

Posted on June 11, 2011

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I have found in my past three years of college that people tend to stick to the same drink. You’ve got the Keystone drinkers, the guy who always has a handle of Dubra, the girl who always mixes some fruity flavor of Smirnoff with Sprite, the 4 Loko drinkers, the Jack Daniels drinkers, the Jager lovers, the cheap wine (translation: Franzia) drinkers, etc.

If you’re a bartender, I’m sure you’re already aware of this, but a person’s drink of choice can tell a lot about him or her. This cracked.com article “What Your Favorite Drink Says About You” spells it all out. Here’s a few of them. Click on the link to the article to see the rest. They are hilarious.

COSMOPOLITAN

Probable Hobby:

Looking at yourself in the mirror for long periods of time, then going directly back to the gym.

What Your Drink Says:

“I’m totally just out with my girlfriends right now, totally just dancing and having fun, but tomorrow, I will totally weep quietly at brunch through my Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses as I repeat the phrase, ‘so cute’ as may times as I can.”

SEX ON THE BEACH

Probable Hobby:

Very literally, having sex on beaches.

What Your Drink Says:

“I am [between the ages of 18 and 20/40 and 45], and I order drinks with provocative names because I haven’t experienced sex [ever/in a while]. I am under the mistaken belief that potential sexual partners will [be turned on/take pity on me] upon hearing the word ‘sex’ in conjunction with my drink order. I am [very/extremely/mind bogglingly] lonely.”

MARTINI

Probable Hobby:

Standing next to German cars that aren’t yours, having fake cell phone conversations about the strength of your nonexistent portfolio, and carrying around a tennis racket you have no intention of ever using on a court.

What Your Drink Says:

“Ah, yes. Gore Vidal. The Masters. Mercedes-Benz. Ha, ha! What’s that, old chap? How dare you accuse me of stringing together random words associated with the upper class? I went to Yale School, you rapscallion!”

WHITE WINE

Probable Hobby:

Buying important-looking books at Barnes & Noble, placing them on your bookshelf, never reading them.

What Your Drink Says:

“Not only do I think I’m better than you and therefore too good to drink anything other than this ’98 Pinot at a crowded sports bar, but I would also prefer it if you and your $20 shirt would quietly eat your Jalapeño Poppers and return to the middle-class suburb from whence you came.”

MOJITO

Probable Hobby:

Despite being 100 percent Irish, you wear organic-chic clothing and talk frequently about world politics. Because, after all, you took a semester each of poli-sci and beginning Spanish at your mid-tier state university.

What Your Drink Says:

“I really feel that the Latina (pronounced La-thi-ah!) population has been underrepresented in Los Angeles (pronounced hah- Loth Ah-hey-leath!).”

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA

Probable Hobby:

Reckless behavior that endangers yourself and others, and is therefore hilarious. Like remember that time Smitty got all fucked up and drove Toddy’s Pontiac around on the highway and shit, and you were like “Dude!” because you couldn’t even believe it? Sick!

What Your Drink Says:

“So, wait-you’re saying that my date-rape conviction is a turn-off? Come on, that was, like, four months ago. I’m real different now, baby. Hey, hey, hey-where do you think you’re going in such a hurry?”

PBR CAN

Probable Hobby:

Looking for change in your couch, reading catalogs, using pay phones.

What Your Drink Says:

“My career is going exceptionally well. So well, if fact, that I’ve made the move from ramen noodles to spaghetti with butter. Can I offer you a handful of these unsalted generic-brand peanuts, m’lady?”

JAGER SHOT

Probable Hobby:

Punching people in the face.

What Your Drink Says :

“Man, I could really punch someone in the face right about now.”

TAP WATER

Probable Hobby:

Going to the bar, getting so ass-faced that the mere sight of a beer will bring your dinner back with a vengeance. Also of note: you have a great deal of self-control when it comes to choosing sexual partners.

What Your Drink Says:

“Wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna puke. Seriously, I’m gonna fucking puke… [Unintelligible] … Ugh… hold on, hold on. Lemme talk. That girl/guy with the face rash is kinda hot.”

And there you have it people! Thank you cracked.com for those intelligent insights into alcohol-consumption trends. 😛

I do think, though, that there is validity to the idea that what you drink reflects your personality. Think about how alcohol commercials are marketed toward a specific person trying to uphold a certain image. And, especially for young people, alcohol dominates the social life. It’s not surprising that people would express themselves through what they drink – just like they do with what they wear, what music they listen to, what car they drive, etc. What do you think? (And just for kicks, include what your favorite drink is!)

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Posted in: Fun